A To Z Challenge: Fhart, Not Fhart

Not much has been written about Gremenski Fhart. He has a small role in The L Squad and a much larger role in The L Squad: Phase Two. He is Epatrusian from the planet Epatrus, which is where Norman Normalson is forced to relocate to in Norman Normalson & The Normals. There’s a street named after him on Epatrus. Today’s A To Z Challenge is F for Fhart, Not Fhart.

Fhart, Not Fhart

“It’s ‘Fot,’ not ‘Fart,’” said Gremenski Fhart, one of the few Epatrusian refugees.

Gremenski Fhart was on vacation on Nasga with some friends when the planet was conquered and its inhabitants enslaved.

“Do you believe that, George?” Hitch asked.

“I hope he knows how to say his own name,” said George.

“Maybe farts are different on Epatrus, and he changed it so it didn’t sound so smelly,” said Hitch.

“Farts are universally repulsive,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“Tomfoolery!” said Tomfoolery.

“Thank you, Tomfoolery,” said Gremenski Fhart. “Making fun of someone’s name does require a certain level of immaturity.”

“Immaturity?” said Hitch. “If it weren’t for me, we may have never made it off LambaBad.”

“How do you figure that?” asked Gremenski Fhart.

“I told Captain Grek we needed George to be our pilot,” said Hitch.

“That’s kind of an exaggeration of your heroism,” said Gremenski Fhart. “I think Captain Grek and even George had a lot more to do with our escape than you.”

“Even George?” questioned George. “I flew the ship.”

“You also crashed the ship,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“Nobody died,” said George.

“The point I’m making is that we all played a role in the escape,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“Tomfoolery!” said Tomfoolery.

“Yeah, Uniqraw was more annoying than helpful,” said Hitch. “He’s funny, though.”

“If it weren’t for Captain Grek, we’d all be dead by now,” said Gremenski Fhart. “He’s the real hero. That’s why he’s the one putting together this refugee defender league or whatever. What Captain Grek says goes.”

As if on queue, Captain Grek’s voice boomed through the refugee compound, which was the remains of the mothership they used to escape LambaBad and crashed on Earth. “Gremenski Fhart to Grek’s quarters, please.”

Hitch and George both got a laugh from Captain Grek’s pronunciation and its timing.

“There you have it. Fart it is,” said Hitch, with a laugh.

A few minutes later, Gremenski Fhart sat in Captain Grek’s makeshift office in his quarters.

“Thank you for coming, Gremenski,” said Captain Grek. “May I call you ‘Gremenski’?”

“Of course, sir, and of course,” said Gremenski Fhart. “We all owe you our lives. I am completely at your disposal.”

“That’s good to know,” said Captain Grek. “I need people with bravery and loyalty. As I’m sure you’re aware, I have zero confidence in our safety on this world.”

“I agree completely,” said Gremenski Fhart. “I don’t trust the humans, nor do I think The Tyrannical will abide our escape.”

“Exactly,” said Captain Grek. “To further complicate matters, we have no information on the Lambads who followed us here. The humans won’t accept their existence. We don’t know if they survived their crash or if they have contact with LambaBad.”

“Yes, sir,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“I believe it’s imperative that we form some way to defend ourselves and the planet,” said Captain Grek. “I’ve been trying to figure out the logistics of how we can do that.”

“It has to depend on when and how much freedom the humans give us,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“I’ve been working on a deal with them,” said Captain Grek. “I think our freedom is imminent and will be absolute. Humans have a history of segregating themselves. They’ll want the same from us. It will be a while before they accept us, but we will be free, and we will be allowed to arm ourselves and prepare for the dangers that will follow us here.”

“How can you be sure?” asked Gremenski Fhart.

“Public opinion is turning in our favor,” said Captain Grek. “This planet has a history of denying rights and fighting change, but change always wins. Change is our biggest bargaining chip. We have technology they can’t imagine or figure out. We can clean up this planet’s pollution problems in months for free. Most importantly, as much as they don’t want to believe there are threats out there heading our way, they can’t ignore it. We came here. We’ve proved there is life out there. They have to accept the probability of some of it being dangerous.”

“Will they trust us with weapons?” asked Gremenski Fhart.

“No,” said Captain Grek. “Trust will take years to earn, but they know we can’t defend anything without weapons, and our technology is vastly superior to theirs. They’ll monitor us, or they’ll try. We’ll give them what they want to see and what they need to see. Their numbers is what will make them feel secure with our weapons. We don’t have enough people to fill one of their cities. I’m purposing that we divide even smaller.”

“Divide ourselves? How?” asked Gremenski Fhart.

“We’re going to split into eight divisions,” said Captain Grek. “I’m spreading the divisions throughout the world. I’m sending one to each continent, with three in Asia, due to its size and none in Antarctica, due to its lack of population and horrendous arctic conditions. Within each division, we’ll have squads. Each division will have a captain, and each squad will have a captain.”

“Won’t that be confusing with so many captains?” asked Gremenski Fhart.

“Don’t bust my tail. I’m making this up as I go. My thought is I want everybody to be as equal as possible. Titles and commands are just for organization,” said Captain Grek. “By the time we’re released from quarantine, this group of battered refugees will be a finely tuned machine with units within units prepared to defend this planet from anything and everything.”

“That’s good to hear,” said Gremenski Fhart, “but why are you telling me all this?”

“I want you to be a captain,” said Captain Grek. “I want you to command one of the squads here in my division.”

“I’d be honored, sir,” said Gremenski Fhart.

“Excellent, Captain Gremenski Fhart,” said Captain Grek.

“It’s Fhart, not Fhart,” said Captain Gremenski Fhart.

“What?”

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