Dogs EVERYWHERE!!!

I posted the other day about all the real-life stuff that was keeping me from all my blogging and blogging interactions. I totally forgot about the dogs who were coming to visit. My best friend/roommate is a dog breeder. She has multiple dog breeding friends. One lives close, and there’s a lot of interaction. She even wants me to show one of her dogs. She’s out of town this weekend, so this is happening.

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I love dogs and most animals. I just prefer them one at a time. Count them. There are eight. One’s even dog size. I can’t complain too much. This was her house last weekend when I needed to go out of town and have my friend come with me.

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A To Z Challenge: Charlie

So, this sucks. I’m not going to lie. This was rushed and is really just a retelling of Charlie’s Profile. I’m really tired and have been distracted all day. My mind is mushy. I did a post earlier about why. Things have actually gotten more stressful since. I’m having a hard time focusing. I wanted to prepare these ahead of time to avoid this but only made it through the first two. I am a little embarrassed about posting this. It should be much better, but it has to be up today. I would normally do a few rewrites. I only gave this a quick read through. That’s the A To Z Challenge. I might not make it through this successfully. Last month would have been fine. The timing is not working in my favor.

Charlie

Captain Grek, the head alien in charge of the refugees, didn’t have any rules against pets. The idea of a refugee alien having a pet never crossed his mind. He had a lot more urgent matters on hand, like escaping LambaBad, formerly Nasga, finding a safe planet to hide and regroup, escaping the ship of Lambads that pursued them across galaxies and through wormholes, the fate of the ship that crash-landed at the same time they did, the well-being of the aliens in his charge, getting the humans to release them from quarantine… The list goes on ad infinitum. When the refugees were finally released from quarantine, his list grew even longer. Abby decided it might be best to keep her pet a secret.

Following their release from quarantine, Abby spent most of her time researching pets. She decided that a fish would be the easiest to keep secret, but the least likely to be fun or provide companionship. The most fun would be a kangaroo, kangaroo rat, giraffe, koala, monkey, or dog. Rabbits looked too Yamfennian to be a pet. She decided a small dog would be the most fun, provide the best companionship, and be the easiest to conceal. Following her meticulous research of dog breeds, she decided on a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Having a puppy turned out to be a lot more work than Abby’s research led her to believe. Charlie loved to tear asunder whatever she could find. She also expelled waste wherever she wanted, and it was an unpleasant waste. Abby worked with her continuously. She studied every training technique she could find. It would be a lot easier if they could communicate. Abby found that no one had ever learned to translate dog language into English. Abby had an epiphany. She would resume work on her anthropomorphizing device.

Her first experiments were on inanimate objects. She had early success with a towel. It just screamed a lot and talked about its horrible life drying butts. Abby took it out into the Canadian wilderness and released it into the wild where it would never have its face shoved into a butt again.

Her successful experiment encouraged Abby to try living creatures. She gathered up any other animal she could find and hold secretly. No animals were harmed through the duration of Abby’s experiments. She started, like any clichéd scientist, with a rat. Ratchet, Abby was not good at naming things, got very large for a rodent. That was it. She released it into the wild where it became the king of rats. It ruled over them with iron whiskers it had made. The anthropomorphizing device may have had some weird side-effects. She followed that up with a turtle, named Turt, that failed to grow or gain any apparent intelligence but loved pizza and an ant, named Anty, who would only communicate via Twitter. Various other mutations came along before Deertorious, which was, yes, a deer with some variation of a faux ancient Roman name.

Abby was walking Charlie in the woods around the crash site/refugee alien compound with her device. They were supposed to take their blasters anytime they were outside of the compound. Abby inadvertently grabber her device since it was the main thing on her mind at the time.

When a deer jumped out of the bushes and ran straight for them with his antlers looking particularly dangerous, Abby pulled out her device and blasted him. She grabbed Charlie and dove out of the way. The deer stumbled and rolled into more bushes. The deer stood up on his hind legs and gave Abby a peculiar look. It was almost as peculiar as the word ‘peculiar.’ If there’s any word that should mean what it means, it’s ‘peculiar.’ ‘Whimsy’ is another one.

“Hello,” said Abby, tentatively.

“Hey,” said Deertorious.

“What’s your name?” asked Abby, with growing excitement.

“I’m a deer. We don’t have names,” said Deertorious.

“How about Deertorious?” Abby asked.

“Sure,” said Deertorious.

Abby asked a series of questions before excitedly returning to her workshop. She wanted Deertorious to come back with her for further tests and inquiries, but he wanted to remain in the woods where he belonged. In the end, it was his decision. He was a lot bigger than her and had antlers.

When she returned to her workshop, or Ab’s Lab as it had become known, Abby couldn’t resist the excitement of a successful anthropomorphization. She looked at Charlie who looked back at her with her big, loving eyes. Abby held her breath, closed her eyes, rubbed her foot, and zapped Charlie. Abby heard a cough. She opened her eyes, but all she could see was a cloud of smoke.

A voice emanated from inside the cloud. “I’m glad I didn’t end up like those other blokes.”

“Charlie? Charlie, is that you?”

“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out,” said Charlie. “You know because your name’s Abby, and if you try to wear my name out there, it won’t go over well.”

Her first attempt at a pun wasn’t a winner, but it was a precursor to the pun machine she would become.

Abby and Charlie talked all night. Abby was elated to have someone to talk to. Charlie was happy that Abby could finally understand what she was saying. Most of it was requests for food.

In the morning, Abby brought her best friend, Hitch, into her room.

“Who is this?” asked Hitch.

“I’m Charlie. You must be Hitch,” said Charlie. “I’ve heard ever so much about you.”

Hitch looked at Charlie, confused. “I haven’t heard anything about you.”

Abby explained Charlie to Hitch.

“Captain Grek can’t find out about this, Abbs,” Hitch said.

“I have a plan,” said Abby.

Abby hacked into the computer system. It was easy for her. She was one of the lead designers and programmers of the system. Within minutes, Charlie was a Niibellian from the planet Niibell and assigned to Hitch’s squad. Hitch informed the rest of the squad.

The next day, when the squads were lined up for training exercises, Captain Grek stopped by Hitch’s squad.

“Something’s different,” said Captain Grek.

“We’re lined up correctly,” said Hitch.

“That is unusual, but it’s not what I meant,” said Captain Grek.

“We’re prettier than usual,” said Charlie.

“You,” said Captain Grek. “Who are you?”

“Charlie,” said Charlie. “Who in blazes are you?”

Abby tugged on Charlie’s tail and whispered, “Charlie, quiet.”

“I’m the Captain of the Refugee Alien Defenders,” said Captain Grek. “How are you here and don’t know that?”

“She’s cranky today, sir,” said Abby, shoving Charlie behind her.

“Who is she?” Captain Grek asked, again.

“She’s Charlie, from Niibell,” Abby said, nervously.

Captain Grek tapped on his wripter and brought up Charlie’s profile. It was all there. Abby added every necessary detail and some extra information to flesh out her back story.

“Hmm…” said Captain Grek. “Why does she seem so unfamiliar?”

“I don’t know, sir,” said Abby. “You’ve been very busy with making sure we’re all all right and forming the Refugee Alien Defenders and our training.”

“That’s true,” said Captain Grek, “but I made these squads. I am intimately familiar with everyone’s skills and weaknesses.”

“You have been known to forget a face or two,” said Hitch.

“Have I?” asked Captain Grek. “You might be right. Carry on.”

As soon as Captain Grek turned his back, Charlie saw a rabbit hopping through the grass. Charlie was in pursuit of the rabbit before Abby could say anything. Captain Grek turned around, glared at Abby and farted.

Charlie 

Snow Dogs: A Tale Of Ears

First, introductions:

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Prince Troy And Abed In The Morning Delight (A.K.A. Troy, Troia, Screech, Kreacher, Baby Boy, etc…, Victoria Rose Delight (A.K.A. Tori, Bat Girl, Bat, & Victorious), & Charlie Chai Delight (A.K.A. Muppet, Mup, Charlie, The Muppet-Face Villain, Chuck, Charles, & Mommy)

Anyone familiar with this blog is probably aware of Charlie’s role in The L Squad. She was even the subject of a poem. This is not about that. This is about snow.

It rained here tremendously yesterday. Overnight, it snowed just as much, if not more. After I finished my morning work-out, I debated whether or not to go for my hike. Charlie might say, “Weather or not…” I’ve never met a dog so into puns. I am still relatively new to snow. I grew up on the coast of California. We didn’t have snow. I love it. I can’t drive in it worth gwatuchorazz cheese, but I like hiking in it. From the top of the mountain, our little community looks absolutely beautiful buried under a white glaze.

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The little dogs love the snow. They will go in the yard and run around like dang fools. They will even bark at the falling snow, which is insane.

I know the snow is going to melt over the next few days. That’s what happens here. Snow is beautiful for a day or two. Then it’s mud. If I’m going to skip a hike day, my thought is that is should be a day they’re going to get muddy. I prefer to take the little dogs out and let them get a little wet than to take them out and get them a whole lot of muddy.

I bundled up like Randy from A Christmas Story, “Hey, kid!”, leashed the dogs, and embarked. Things were going snowily. Charlie got to poop in the snow. I got to pick it up in a little green bag. I don’t have a picture of either. Sorry. Charlie got to make tinkles in the snow. The other two were far too excited for bodily functions.

It is my wont to go up the mountain. Usually, I will run part of the way until it gets too steep and I get too weak. There’s always that point where my legs say, “We’re wobbly.” That happened early on this trek. Running in the snow is like running in the snow. Running uphill in the snow is like not going to happen.

I’ve taken the triumvirate for hikes in the snow multiple times. They will often gather snow as we go. They get these little snowballs on their feet and chest. I’ve tried snowshoes. They don’t make it a block. About halfway up the mountain, I noticed Troy had a huge ball, bigger than his head, stuck on his leg. He and Bat both had a bunch of little snowballs in their ears. It was kind of funny. I wished I had brought my phone so that I could take pictures. They have to walk with their faces to the ground in case of smells. At one point, I saw Bat rub her face in the snow. Fortunately, Charlie is far too civilized to put her face anywhere near the ground.

By the time we got to the top of the mountain, it wasn’t funny anymore. We all started sinking in the snow. After a little while, I was stopping every few feet to relieve them of huge snowballs from their feet, chests, and ears. The snow in Troy and Tori’s ears was literally stretching their scalps and making their eyes bulge.

Finally, Charlie had enough. She said, “This is ridiculous. We are going back.” She didn’t say this with words. She just turned around and started walking. I don’t think she cared if the rest of us followed or not.

I’m pretty sure that if we kept going forward, the snow wouldn’t have been as thick as what we just walked through, but I wanted to get them home as soon as possible. I didn’t want to take the chance.

When we were less than a block from home, Troy decided he didn’t want to walk anymore. Charlie, the only one who doesn’t require a leash, kept stopping and falling behind. Troy and Tori love to get wrapped in their leashes. It is leash anarchy with those two. Today, the leashes were getting wrapped around their legs, the snowballs in their legs, and the snowballs in their ears. I tried to carry Tori at one point, but the leashes were so tangled I could hardly get her off the ground.

We finally got home and this happened:

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“Seriously? What are you doing to me?” – Charlie

 

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This is what happens when you take a California costal boy and move him to the Sierra Nevada, which literally translates to Snowy Mountains.

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Poor babies. Look at their eyes.

They left a trail of snow all the way to the bathroom. The heater was on. I turned on a small personal heater. I tried to get the snowballs out, which usually ended in squeals. The snowballs would usually turn to iceballs in my hand instead of coming off. It didn’t work. I locked them in there for a half an hour to 45 minutes. Troy lived up to his Screech moniker by whining the whole time. I checked on them often, with treats in hand. They even escaped twice. They actually pushed the shower doors open and jumped out of the tub.

Following their second escape, I decided to expedite the snow removal process. It was getting slushy. My best friend/roommate has a super dog grooming hair drier. They are her dogs. I went back into the bathroom armed with said hair drier. It was so hot in there it was like a sauna. About half an hour later, they were finally released from the bathroom.

The first thing Bat wanted to do was go outside in the snow. Denied.

Neighborhood Serenity

The sun shines though the chill in the air
Not a sound to be heard anywhere

 

Not a cloud in the blue sky so bright
Anticipating the stars of night

What could ruin such a lovely day
Shatter the peace and chase it away

Take this neighborhood serenity
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, love Charlie

Please, sit anywhere.

 

L Squad Profile: Charlie, The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

Tinker Bell was just a typical adorable tricolored Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, not to be confused with the much smaller snub-nosed King Charles Spaniel, or, as often happens, the Cocker Spaniel. She is also occasionally confused with Jim Henson’s Muppets. It’s not common but it happens. She was not nearly as dainty as the name her breeders gave her would suggest. She was a small dog, destined not to exceed 20 pounds, though she was very curious and adventurous even as a puppy. She was the first in her litter to exhibit any signs of intelligence but was also prone to fits of wild exuberance and a slave to her spaniel nature. She often exhibited a strong prey drive and an overwhelming desire to chase things.

When Abby first saw Tinker Bell she was immediately smitten. Abby, being ever logical and rational, still took over an hour and a half to decide which puppy she wanted. The loneliness she carried around with her cried out to be squelched, so Abby, in a further attempt to assimilate to Earth and its customs, decided to indulge herself in the strange Earth ritual of owning another life form. At first, the thought was repulsive, but her solitude wore her down and she began researching pets. Throughout her research, she was drawn to the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel’s flowing fur and calm demeanor. She continued to explore other species but kept returning to the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She finally acquiesced to her growing desire and contacted a reputable breeder who could provide exemplary health and lineage records.

At first, the breeders were hesitant to sell one of their fine specimens to an alien. Abby initially neglected to inform them of her extraterrestrial status when she first called them. When she offered to repair a low hum their stereo was chronically making, they asked her to fix a laptop. After making quick work of a long list of technical repairs, the breeders hardly minded all the pink fur Abby left on their couch. As dog breeders, they were used to black, brown, and white fur interwoven with everything, but this pink fur was disconcerting. By the time all the repairs were done, the breeders had come to know Abby a little and had actually grown to like her. They decided she was the kind of person to whom they would feel comfortable selling a dog.

Abby finally got to meet all six members of the litter. She sat on the floor with them and they mobbed her, sniffing and licking and rubbing and crawling all over her. Abby was taken aback by the greeting she received. She was not remotely prepared for it. After a few moments of hesitation, she decided she liked being playfully mauled by these tiny creatures. Getting a pet was the right decision.

The first thing Abby did when she got Tinker Bell home was change her name to Charlie, Charlie the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She thought she was being clever. Sometimes even those who are geniuses can be banal when to attempting creativity. She also failed to realize that Charlie isn’t a girl’s name. From there she moved along to getting all her shots and starting training.

As mentioned above, Charlie was very smart. She took to her training like a bee takes to bumbling. I don’t know what that means, either. She learned quickly. Abby was so proud of her little Charlie Belle, she brought back the Bell when she learned that Charlie isn’t a girl’s name and added the extra ‘e’ to make it feminine instead of a potential surname. Charlie was so well behaved that Abby started bringing her to her squad training. When Captain Grek found out, he forbade it. Abby was so distraught that she nearly quit the Refugee Allied Defenders (R.A.D.). She started spending less time training with the R.A.D. and more time training Charlie.

Concerned with her repeated absences, Hitch came to Abby to find out what was happening. Abby explained and Hitch flexed his growing leadership skills. He told Abby how much the squad needed her and how important she was to the R.A.D., even if the others couldn’t see it. He promised that if she recommitted herself to the squad they could make Charlie their official squad mascot. Abby reluctantly agreed. Hitch was still her best friend and the only friend with whom she could actually communicate.

The new arrangement actually made Abby feel lonelier. She was spending more time away from Charlie as she was always training. As captain of a squad, Hitch had his new responsibilities, which kept them from doing all the fun things that made them friends back on Nasga. It didn’t matter that he dragged her away from her important work to go play. Abby was torn between her responsibilities to her squad and her responsibilities to Charlie. Her loneliness was steadily increasing.

One sleepless night, while lying in bed with Charlie curled up on her chest, Abby had an idea. She remembered an invention she was working on on Nasga. It was a machine that would imbue animals with Yamfennianesque qualities. If it worked, she could instill in an animal the ability to speak English, walk upright on two legs and hold things in its newly formulated hands. Said animal would be able to think and communicate like a Yamfennian. She could anthropomorphize Charlie. She jumped out of bed, which was terrifying for Charlie who was still on her chest before being flung onto the bed and subsequently bounced to the floor. After apologizing to and calming Charlie, Abby headed straight to her workshop and got to work.

Following a few failed experiments, which lead to an enormous rat, a turtle that failed to grow or gain any noticeable intelligence, but loved pizza, an ant who would only communicate via Twitter, among various other mutations, Abby was ready to try it on Charlie. Abby closed her eyes, crossed her fingers, rubbed her foot, that’s considered good luck on Yamfenn, aimed the beam from her machine at Charlie and pressed the button. The smell of smoke and burning hair arose in the workshop. Terrified, Abby opened her eyes, but couldn’t see anything through the cloud of smoke. After a brief pause, she heard a cough. Abby frantically swatted at the cloud of smoke attempting to get it to dissipate. From somewhere in the cloud she heard, “I’m glad I didn’t end up like those other blokes.” Elated, Abby ran into the cloud of smoke, found Charlie and wrapped her arms around her.

It worked. Abby had actually created a device that could anthropomorphize an animal. Charlie was now officially a sentient being. Well, she was already a sentient being. She was a… a… a person. She could now walk upright on her hind legs. She had hands instead of paws. Well, they were hand shaped paws. She could talk. Most importantly her intelligence level was now Yamfennianesque. She wasn’t as smart as Abby, but she would make a serviceable assistant and a friend.

There was one side-effect that Abby would have to fix if she ever attempted to anthropomorphize anything again. Charlie developed a disturbing affinity for puns. Abby wasn’t sure if it was something in Charlie’s nature, something caused by the device, or something Charlie picked up watching television. She was sure she was going to have to train it out of her.

In the morning, after staying up all night talking to Charlie, Abby called Hitch. She had to share this amazing news with her best friend. Now, she had two best friends and she wanted them to be best friends. Hitch was amazed and speechless. It’s a good thing Charlie could talk now or the conversation would have run quite dull. After Abby explained everything to him, Hitch panicked. He told her that she had to keep this a secret. If anyone ever found out, she would be in big trouble and her invention would be confiscated.

Abby explained that she went a different route. She hacked into R.A.D.’s computer system and enrolled Charlie into R.A.D. Hitch could only slap his forehead. Abby went on to explain that she retroactively added Charlie to the manifest of their escape ship as a passenger, so it would appear as if she had been with them since Nasga. Anyone who doubted her legitimacy need only check the records. Charlie was now a refugee Niibellian from the planet Niibell. Abby had to hope nobody did further research because it wouldn’t take much to learn that Niibell doesn’t actually exist. She couldn’t find a planet that was home to anthropomorphic dogs, so she made one up.

When Hitch assured her that someone would notice a new member of their squad Abby reminded him that no one outside the squad pays any attention to them. They’ve been deemed the dregs of R.A.D. and no one on any other squad even acknowledged them, except to taunt them. Abby’s recent inner turmoil and withdrawal made the L Squad’s performance drop even further, leading them to be labeled ‘hopeless.’ They could easily sneak in a new member without anybody outside the squad noticing. They only had to tell the squad. If anybody did notice they would all vouch for her and direct them to the records, which would support their assertion that she’s always been there. Hitch grudgingly agreed, but only because they were best friends who had traversed the universe together. Abby did save his life by sneaking him aboard their escape ship. The least he could do was let her have a dog.

Charlie’s training revealed that her transition to a fully anthropomorphic Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was not so full after all. While most of her intended transformations were amazingly realized, she did retain some of her natural instincts. Her spaniel instincts remained intact. All her training was still liable to be overridden by irrational spurts of excitement. She still loved chasing things and would often streak away after something, usually a rabbit, which Abby found disturbing.

Even when the L Squad was eventually sent out into the world for their, often mundane, missions, Charlie would have to be kept on a leash, which Charlie resented. She frequently tried to talk Abby out of making her wear her leash, but every time Abby relented Charlie would run off and end up in trouble. That only made more trouble for the squad, which got into enough trouble before the addition of Charlie. Now, Charlie’s leash is omnipresent on every mission unless she is given a specific task and it’s better for the mission that she is released.

If Charlie weren’t anthropomorphic and lived in your time this is what she might look like (Photos Courtesy Of Lavender Cavaliers):

This is what Charlie might look like if she had a different life and was on a bed with her Aunt Holly Rose and Uncle Paxton:
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If she were on a log with her Aunt Holly Rose & Uncle Gizmo:
Dogs

On the beach:
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If her tongue were hanging to the side:
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If she were Wilson from Home Improvement:
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If she were forced to play dress-up as an elf and not happy about it:
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If she were forced to dress-up like Santa Chuck:
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If she had a stick (or a stick blaster as in The L Squad: Phase Two):
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(She looks kind of savage in this one.)

If she were babysitting:
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R.A.D.: A Brief Profile Of The Refugee Alien Defenders

R.A.D.:

Refugee Alien Defenders

 The Refugee Alien Defenders, or R.A.D., had a rough start to their life on Earth. It actually started out beyond Earth’s atmosphere, when a ship pursuing them across the universe caught up with them. After bouncing around the universe for months, dipping in and out of wormholes, their stolen ship found the outer edge of the Kuiper Belt. Scans showed that this ring of ice, asteroids and dwarf planets was the border of a solar system that holds a Class M planet. The refugees had never been more appreciative of the system of artificial wormholes, or warps, created by the Yamfennians. They plunged forward into the Kuiper Belt.

 The ship’s pilot, George, was almost as proficient in evading objects as he was at hitting them. George entered the Kuiper Belt at speeds much more conducive to the latter and collided with a few K.B.O.s (Kuiper Belt Objects). The mothership they commandeered for the adventure was strong enough to take a hit or two or seven, but the impacts slowed their pace. The pursuing ship entered the Kuiper Belt at much lower speeds and was much more capable of evading K.B.O.s. They were consequently able to maintain a higher average speed and caught up with the fleeing ship.

 For the first time since escaping the planet LambaBad, the refugees were within a solar system that provided hope for finding a refuge. It was also the first time they were within reach of their pursuers. They exited the Kuiper Belt with laser blasts flying around them. George was able to evade the blasts. He set a course for the pale blue dot in the distance that was capable of supporting life. Before they could reach it they encountered an asteroid belt.

 George was much more cautious traversing the obstacles in this inner belt. While George had the ship dancing around asteroids and dwarf planets he was caught by a blast from the ship behind. The blast took out their booster engines. The pursuing ship grabbed the refugee ship with its tractor beam. The Lambads plotted a course for the Class M planet and dragged the refugee ship along with them.

 The Lambad plan was to land the ships on the planet’s surface, seize their master’s chattel and signal for the ruler to come get them. Their plan didn’t go as planned. As the ships entered the gravitational pull of the planet, the captain of the refugee ship, Captain Grek, ordered laser blasters and torpedoes fired on the ship holding them captive. The refugees fired directly into the tractor beam. The ships were violently separated. Each was sent tumbling through the planet’s atmosphere. The Lambad ship crash-landed at the base of Sara Sara, a volcano in Peru. The refugees landed in the Canadian wilderness. Neither ship would ever fly again, but the people and supplies inside survived surprisingly well.

The refugees used to live on a beautiful planet called Nasga. Nasga’s reputation as a beautiful, welcoming planet made it a premier vacation spot and a new home for many refugees. The Nasgans were quick to welcome all visitors and immigrants. The welcoming attitude of its natives and its alluring beauty and climate made Nasga the most diverse planet in the universe. Nearly every peaceful planet with the capability of interstellar space flight was represented on Nasga. The advent of artificial wormholes by the Yamfennians had much to do with the influx of Nasgas tourism and immigration.

 Alas, the serenity of this utopia was not to last. It was another picturesque day on Nasga the day The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom arrived. The first bomb he dropped was also the last. Nasga was a civilized planet. By definition, that meant they had no weapons and no need for weapons. That’s the universal definition, not the Earthly definition. Maybe that’s why Earth isn’t one of the planets in the Universal Union Of Utopian Worlds. Perhaps if Earth spent less time on destruction and more time on inventions, innovations, and education they, too, could join.

 The only problem with being civilized is expecting others to also act in a civilized manner. Nasga was completely unprepared for the barbarity of the XaXet warrior. At first, the Nasgans tried to be cordial and welcoming. This attitude gave way to fear and, in the spirit of self-preservation, the Nasgans submitted to their conqueror.

 Initially, the Nasgans were divided on a course of action. It goes completely against their nature to not be hospitable to a guest to their world. Some, however, recognized the descending evil and strove to resist. Others acquiesced immediately. The dissenters were easily swayed by logic and the imposing figure of The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom. In the end, The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom single-handedly conquered Nasga. He literally did not use his left hand. He dropped one bomb on one city and the planet was his.

 Many of the settlers tried to form a resistance but were easily subdued by 3T.G.L.D.B.’s new Nasgan army. Within days, all who resisted The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom’s new rule were rounded up and enslaved. The planet was renamed LambaBad and its natives were renamed Lambads.

 These slaves were divided into two groups. There was a group deemed physical labor. They were put to work digging uranium mines and mining the uranium from those mines. The other group was composed of scientists and engineers. Their job was to create ships and weapons to aid The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom in conquering new worlds.

 They built three types of ship. The largest and most important were the motherships. They were massive interstellar fortresses. The motherships were like space stations that were built for war and could travel at near light speeds. They were equipped with virtually impenetrable shields and heavy weaponry, but more on that later. They had tractor beams powerful enough to pull another of the motherships. They could emit pulse waves that would knock out the power of anything with which it came into contact. That could be a powerful and deadly tactic in space. If a spaceship were to suddenly lose all power, it becomes a cold drifting coffin. The ships could spin like a top and stop instantly, which acted as an extra precaution in case the blasters on any side malfunctioned. The most important feature of the motherships was the other ships.

 Each mothership was host to a fleet of smaller ships. These ships were designed to hold small crews during planetary invasions. They would emerge from the mothership and descend on the planet like a swarm of bees spreading The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom’s reign of honey… I mean terror. There are worlds where it rains honey. It might sound delicious, but it’s deadly. No one can go out when it’s raining. Imagine drowning in honey. No, thank you. That sounds awful. The smaller ships’ weaponry wasn’t as potent as the mothership, but they were still well shielded and came equipped with blasters and torpedoes. They weren’t capable of long distance space flight, but they were fast and sturdy.

 The third type of ship resided inside both the mothership and the smaller attack ships. Each ship was loaded with a one or two person escape pod. Even the escape pods had blasters, torpedoes, and shields. As far as The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom was concerned, it was pointless to have anyone escape if they weren’t going to continue the attack.

 The ships’ blasters and torpedoes were heavy. The motherships’ blasters were designed to be strong enough to damage even other motherships. The attack ships’ weapons weren’t that potent but could damage other attack ships. The hand-held blasters weren’t meant to cause as much damage. The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom wanted to stun victims, not kill them. I know what you’re thinking, “Aah, what a big softy.” No! He wanted to procure slaves. Dead slaves don’t get much work done. They’re only good for eating and fertilizer and XeXats had no need for fertilizer. He’s a tyrannosaurus. What do you think he eats? Kale? Carrots? Celery?

 The scientists and engineers also designed jetpacks. Yeah, awesome! Another slave catching weapon was the net-gun. It pretty much does exactly what it sounds like. It shoots a net at an enemy, with the intent of capturing said enemy.

 The most diabolical weapon was the F-Bombs, or flatulence bombs. Everyone on LambaBad was fitted with a special belt that captured all flatus passed throughout the day and stored it in a mini-tank on the belt. At the beginning and end of each day, the tanks would be collected and replaced with new tanks. The tanks would be emptied into the bombs where they would be stored until needed. None were more potent than those of The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom himself, except, of course, Splorg. When the F-Bombs were dropped, they would explode and the gas inside would be released. Every living thing in the vicinity would be subjected to the feculent aromas and would often pass-out. Those lucky enough to retain consciousness would flee, but would still smell of farts.

 The robots proved to be their finest achievement outside of the ships. The Lambots, as they came to be known, were the greatest thing since porkled quasklops. If you’ve ever had porkled quasklops, you know what I’m saying. They were very strong and hard and smelled of oil. The Lambots were a lot like that, but didn’t smell of oil. They were modeled to look a little bit like the Lambads, but robotic. They hovered and could even fly via a built-in jetpack. Built into each shoulder was a blaster with adjustable damage capabilities. The blasters ranged from a mild stun to a ship damaging power. Hidden in their chests were saw blades that could extend out and were strong enough to cut into a ship. Their arms, which usually dangled at about one meter, could extend to five meters and could send jolts of electricity through to whatever they clamped. If they were blasting enemies in front of them, they could also reach out with their arms and grab and stun enemies on either side of them. Their sensors kept them, and their Lambad companions, alerted of any approaching life forms or ships with a range of about a kilometer and a half. To further aid with the capturing of slaves, the Lambots had net-guns, similar to the hand-held weapons of their Lambad counterparts. They weren’t as powerful as the attack ships, but their armor was almost completely resistant to any of the hand-held weapons. In case there was ever a malfunction, they were implemented with a backdoor control override by remote via a secret frequency. They were close to the perfect soldier.

 All these inventions were rigorously tested. Any weaknesses or malfunctions were met with severe punishments for every scientist and engineer. Then, the malady was to be corrected. Early machinations of providing such an evil power with subpar equipment were extinguished.

 Everything was supposed to be powered by the uranium from the mines. The scientists and engineers were all from civilized worlds, so they only knew how to use solar, wind, water, geothermal and the like for powering anything. They had never even heard of nuclear power or even fossil fuels. Everything was built to run on solar and wind power with long-life battery back-up. They had to go back and add the uranium power ability. Their ignorance of nuclear power would prove to be the greatest attribute to everything they invented during their days in captivity.

 Through the sheer will and determination, and some luck, a few prisoners escaped. They helped free more prisoners. Eventually, they had a small band of merry…well, a wide conglomeration of species. The refugees set-up camps in the forests. From there they planned raids to free others. It was kind of like the old story of Fluhggoppin Lopkin. I think it’s originally a story from Rarish, pronounced Raw-Reesh. Fluhggoppin Lopkin and his band of married men would sneak out into the woods at night to make tree forts. There they would camp out all night hiding from their wives. Rarishian women are very horny and I don’t mean that in a provocative way. They are dangerous, especially if they toss and or turn in their sleep. It’s actually a really good story. You should tell it to me sometime. Right now, I need to get back to Nasga, which is now called LambaBad.

 Over time, the refugees became rebels. They got more and more bold with their raids and were still almost always successful. With every successful raid, they freed more prisoners. Every freed prisoner was a new addition to their rebellion. They elected a quasi-leader, who planned every successful raid. He even planned the failed raids. He was ethnically a Wemeselsimian, but he was third generation Nasgan. His grandparents moved to Nasga from Wemeselsim long before his parents were born. His name was Grek.

 Grek decided it was time to take this rebellion seriously. He planned a raid on the warehouses where all the weapons and technology were stored. It was a mission so dangerous he decided to lead it himself and only accepted the most qualified of volunteers to join him.

 Grek and his party arrived at the first warehouse. They crept up to a back door and were shocked to find it open. They proceeded to sneak in and quietly spread out in search of weapons. They were again shocked to not find a single guard. They did find a huge cache of weapons.

 “Don’t take too many or somebody will notice they’re missing,” said a little voice from a little pinkish scientist. “It’s probably too late for them to do you much good anyway.”

 Her name was Abby. She was a Yamfennian. Yeah, one of those Yamfennians. They were a brilliant species. The science and engineering department was full of them. It’s a shame about Yamfenn. The little pinkish Yamfennian scientist named Abby told them about the planned exodus from Nasga, which she refused to call Lambad. XaXets had no understanding of solar energy, so The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom banned it. He opted for the power sources that were in use on XaXet, like nuclear and coal power. There was no slow progression and Nasga’s atmosphere couldn’t handle all the mining and nuclear testing. The planet was quickly becoming polluted to the point that it would soon no longer be inhabitable. The Lambads were leaving and setting out for the next planet to conquer. That’s why there were no guards. They were all making preparations for the journey.

 The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom didn’t worry about the scientists and engineers rising up against him. He didn’t give a thought to them stealing weapons or ships. As far as he knew, they were all nuclear powered and the uranium was kept in a separate warehouse away from the science labs. They were only brought enough uranium for tests to be completed and they were always supervised during those times. This is where the solar power capabilities, and The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom lack of understanding those abilities, were so important. They didn’t need the uranium to make everything work.

 Grek started formulating a plan of his own. Grek asked Abby if it would be possible for them to commandeer one of the fully-loaded motherships. Abby said it could be done, but it would have to be done within the next three plaros. The Lambads were commencing their migration in six plaros, but the warehouses would be constantly swarming with Lambads starting on the fourth plaro. Grek agreed. They set out to make the most of the three plaros they had.

 Abby recruited the rest of the scientists and engineers. Everyone she approached accepted before she could even finish explaining the plan. Anybody who knows anything about Earth’s history with science knows scientists are very brave people. They loaded extra weapons, technology, and other supplies on the mothership they were planning on taking. No Lambad questioned it. They were preparing to evacuate the planet and they were supposed to be preparing the ships. The Lambads just didn’t notice that one ship was being loaded a little more than the others.

 Grek and his rebel force did their best to free as many people as they could. The only way they could assure survival for anyone was to get them on the ship they were stealing. The rebels had to be simultaneously extra bold and extra careful. They had to be bold to free as many as they could in the limited time available. They had to be extra careful because anybody who was caught ran the risk of being left behind on the dying planet. Even worse, if the Lambads found out their plan the whole thing could be shut down and everybody would be left behind.

 Grek would sneak people into Abby and Abby would make sure they were hidden in the ship. That was the hardest and most perilous part. No one would question supplies, but if they were caught smuggling people aboard there was no way out of that.

 The rebels ran special missions to find friends and family members. Abby even made a request for her friend to be saved. Abby’s friend, Hitch, made a request for his friend, George, who once saved his life, to be saved. Given Abby’s importance to the escape and the danger she was personally incurring, Grek was happy to oblige her every request and even that of her friend. Grek was familiar with George and had doubts about his piloting abilities, but found solace in Abby’s confidence in him.

 On the third plaro, Grek’s rebels made one last raid to maximize the number of prisoners they could free. Even with that, Grek always lamented those he couldn’t save. The raid was successful and everybody was loaded onto the ship. Early in the day, another Yamfennian scientist, named Gumford, opened the convertible roof of the warehouse just enough for the mothership to soak up some solar rays. By the time they were ready to go, it was fully charged. George was selected as the pirate pilot of the ship. He launched, crashing through the roof, in typical George fashion, and had them off the planet in no time. The whole plan went off without a hitch. That might be a poor choice of words. Hitch was aboard the ship. The plan was successful and there were no problems. Then, there was a problem.

 It was impossible for a ship of that size to leave the planet without someone noticing. Everyone noticed. The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom ordered another ship loaded with Lambads and Lambots after them. After a high-speed chase through the universe, literally nearly the fastest speeds possible, we arrive back at the beginning of our story.

 Both motherships were damaged beyond repair in the crashes. The Lambads crashed into the base of a volcano, called Sara Sara in Peru. Using the remains of the mothership they turned that into a base inside the mountain. Any humans who came snooping around were apprehended and set to work under the mountain digging tunnels. The Lambads quickly faded from human memory to the point that they were relegated to legend and folklore.

 The refugees crash-landing in Canada was higher profile and helped the Lambads fade into obscurity. They were rounded up and kept in quarantine. Humans wanted to be sure they didn’t carry any diseases that could spread throughout humanity. They didn’t seem too concerned with the aliens catching human diseases.

 During their time in captivity, the refugees had a chance to adapt to the gravity of Earth. The gravity on Earth was slightly lighter than that of Nasga/LambaBad. It made zipping around on jetpacks easier, not that they got to use anything that could be considered a weapon while in quarantine. Walking was hard. The refugees practically had to learn to walk all over again. They had a feeling like they were almost walking on clouds. The lighter gravity gave many of the refugees a feeling of dizziness and nausea. A Yamfennian scientist named Ortesque rectified it by creating heavier boots. The added weight was slowly removed as the refugees adapted. For a while, everything seemed lighter and they all joked about how strong their journey to Earth made them.

 Everyone was fully adapted in a couple weeks. The process of adapting to the lower gravity was actually drawn out significantly by the Ortesque shoes, but they got to forgo the dizziness and nausea. They soon grew bored and frustrated with their captivity.

 Grek tried to warn their new captors about the threat posed by the Lambads. He was ignored. The humans had no proof of the Lambad ship and decided their instruments malfunctioned when they showed two huge motherships plummeting to the earth. They decided the refugee ship was so big it was read as two. Another theory was that something broke off the refugee ship that accounted for the other reading.

 Grek was furious and demanded they be released. He also had a deep feeling of guilt. He knew it was because of their escape that the Lambads were now loose on this planet. They had no other acceptable choice. They had to escape. He just would have preferred they did so without the Lambads acting as chaperone.

 It was these circumstances that first inspired thoughts of the Refugee Alien Defenders, or R.A.D. for short. Everyone in this quarantine had played an important role in the escape from LambaBad. They all had usable skills, which could be applied to an organization devoted to the protection of this new planet. This was their new home. They had no way to get off of it and nowhere to go. The humans didn’t even believe the Lambads existed. It was up to them to keep Earth safe.

 Grek started a training regimen immediately. There wasn’t much they could do while in quarantine. They didn’t even have access to weapons or other gadgets. Grek had them do the only thing they could do, exercise. They got a lot of exercise. Grek kept a close watch on everybody. He was constantly evaluating them. He kept a mental record of everyone’s work ethic, demeanor, intelligence, social aptitude, etc… He would make a note of anything he thought was important and he thought everything was important.

 The humans held debates about the fate of the refugee visitors to their planet for months. It may have been years. Tempers flared on both sides of the argument. It was the biggest and most controversial issue on Earth.

 People for the containment of the aliens used pictures of Grek, Gargsnops, and Kip to advance their cause. Grek was much larger than the majority of his companions. He is dark green with orange circles and squiggly lines on his back. Wemeselsimians have a prehensile tail to go along with the soft fur that covers their hard, armor-like scales. He looked like he could and would tear a human into two pieces and eat them raw. Gargsnops was a Rarishian. As we discussed earlier in the tale of Fluhggoppin Lopkin, Rarishians are covered in horns and look vicious. He has horns on his head and his nose. He looks like he’s from Earth’s 1970s with his short curly black hair and mustache. Unlike a gentleman from Earth’s 1970s, his torso is covered in scales, while the rest of him is covered in fur. His tail is not prehensile but is laced with spikes. Kip is a Yortian. Yortians are basically eyeballs with arms and legs. They used Kip as an example of just weird and creepy.

 Yamfennians and Hitch were used by organizations trying to free the refugees. Abby was chosen to be the poster-Yamfennian for their cause, with Ortesque and Gumford standing behind her. Abby looks like Easter and smells like cotton candy. She’s small, pink and yellow. There’s a white blaze down the middle of her face with two short swirly antennae on the top of her head. She’s fluffy and even has a white puffy cotton ball tail. The other two look similar, but Abby has a less-imposing feminine charm. Hitch is a fur-ball. He looks kind of like a cross between a Mogwai, an Ewok, a koala, and a kiss from a unicorn. If you saw him you’d want to hug him, snuggle with him and take him home as a pet, though he would not like that. That’s exactly what the liberation organizations were trying to relay. These are cute, cuddly, harmless creatures.

 The arguments for keeping the refugees in quarantine indefinitely were plentiful, if not completely invalid. “Look at them, they’re vicious.” “If they don’t eat your kids they’ll at least give them fleas, space fleas.” “They probably have space rabies.” “They’ll take jobs from hard-working natural-born citizens of Earth.” “They smell like rotten milk and Tabasco sauce.” “They came from Uranus to enslave us all.” “They don’t have any money and will be a drain on resources.” “One of them ate my daughter.” “They stole my pick-up truck.” “They don’t look and act just like me. That makes them scary.” “They don’t even speak our languages.”

 The case for releasing them was also abundant, if not bizarre. “They’ll make great pets.” That’s kind of the opposite of setting them free. “They look like Easter and smell like cotton candy.” That one’s just Abby. Gargsnops smells more like rotten milk and Tabasco sauce. Gramscul smells a lot like Uranus. “They are adorable and therefore probably harmless.” “I want to pet them.” “I like cotton candy.” “They’re sentient beings and deserve respect and basic rights as such.”

 Celebrities came out with their opinions. Nearly every musician, actor, athlete and reality star expressed their opinions using partial and misspelled words on social media. Most were irrational, incoherent and painfully devoid of vowels, but people listened. As any Earthling knows, when it comes to matters as important as the fate of society and the world, the only opinions that matter are those of celebrities.

 It should be mentioned that no unauthorized non-military personnel had ever even seen them first-hand. Knowledge of them had only spread via illicit cell phone pictures posted on social media sites. There were plenty of people who thought they were a hoax. All governments denied their existence and tried their best to convince people they weren’t real.

 Ultimately, they were set free. It wasn’t because of any of the arguments, though the comment by Kandi Korni Kiddie on her Instastuff profile reading, “kl! lns” did sway more than a few. Kandi was paradoxically famous for being famous. Somehow her post was interpreted as, “Cool! Aliens!” but no one really knows for sure if that was indeed her intent. When asked for a comment for the biggest news story of the day, Kandi was unable to articulate an actual thought as her communication skills were non-existent. She looked good in the picture, though, for a human, at least.

 The refugees ended up buying their freedom. They offered to share their technology. The aliens could do things humans could never do. Humans were still using something called fossil fuels and nuclear power. They actually burned the remains of plants that were millions of years old for energy. They knew about solar, wind, water and geothermal energy, but hardly used any of them. They were boldly marching down the path toward the fate of LambaBad. With the sun, a G-type main-sequence star, at the center of the solar system any Yamfennian could power the entire planet with a few dozen large solar panels and some batteries. They also offered up solar-powered hover cars with silent fans in the grill to harness wind power as they drove. They really just converted Earth cars to something resembling transport pods like those used on Nasga. They built filters that could convert sea water to drinking water.

 They could have done more, but that was enough to earn them their freedom. They had a lot of their own work to do. By the time they were free, Grek had a clear plan in his mind of what Refugee Alien Defenders would be. The refugees set-up their base in the Canadian wilderness, right where they crashed. The ship itself was the base. I can’t tell you exactly where it is, in case you ever go to Earth or if this ever makes its way to Earth. The governments of the world helped to create a perimeter to keep anybody from wandering into the secret location, inadvertently or otherwise. Grek had a radar blocker set-up that hid them from all of Earth’s radar and satellites.

The days were reserved for training. They ran drills, exercised and familiarized themselves with their new weapons. Most of them had never used any kind of weapon before. There were a lot of accidents at first, resulting in the unfortunate loss of tails, horns, an eyeball or two, not Kip, and, worst of all, the occasional mustache met its demise.

 At night they learned. They knew nothing of the planet they now called home. While in quarantine they weren’t taught anything. Nor were they allowed to access computers and research for themselves. Earth was as alien to them as they were to it. They learned quickly, though.

 Grek decided that each continent would be home to a division of the Refugee Alien Defenders. Antarctica was nearly devoid of human life, so it wasn’t necessary to have one there. Conversely, Asia would have three, given its size and population.

 Grek chose a captain for each division. Once one was designated a captain, he or she was on a level equal with Captain Grek. After that, they formed a committee and made all decisions as a group. Captain Grek was still the most respected and had the most authority if any dispute arose.

 Captain Grek got to stay in Canada as the captain of the North American Division of the Refugee Alien Defenders, or N.A.D.R.A.D. He even got to handpick a few of the refugees with whom he worked closely during the escape from LambaBad to be in his division. After the other captains decided who would be assigned to which continent they held a draft. This assured that the divisions would be composed of equally skilled members. After the draft, there were a few trades to even things. For example, if one division had too many aliens who profiled as pilots and too few who profiled as engineers they would swap with a division with the opposite imbalance.

 The next step was to divide the divisions into squads. Each division was divided into 12 squads of five to seven each. The squads were to be assigned a letter designation of A-L. Their letter was also their rank, with A being the highest rank and L the lowest. Grek helped the divisions with the composition of their squads. He knew everyone’s abilities better than everybody else. He even knew one’s abilities better than that one knew his or her own abilities. He had been grading everyone since they were rebels on LambaBad.

 Grek made sure every squad had one captain, and at least one pilot and one scientist or engineer. They were supplemented with two to four other aliens who would be trained to be experts in weapons, medicine or jetpacks. The captains strove to put people in the squads who would work well together.

 A lot of aliens were left off squads. Every base needed a large number of people to keep it functioning. The left-overs were trained as guards, medics, computer technicians and more. A lot of scientists and engineers were assigned to remain at the bases. They were valuable out on missions, in case something malfunctioned and needed immediate repairs or to take care of other variables. The scientist and engineers were also far too valuable to risk losing too many on potentially dangerous missions. Keeping them in the labs also increased the possibility of technological growth, which is always extremely important.

 That’s when the real training began. It was paramount that each squad learned to work together as a unit or a squad. They ran drills together. The Squads played games against each other to build team loyalty and cohesiveness. The games were also a good way to rank squad and individual performances.

 When it was finally deemed that the refugees were trained beyond what they were getting from the games, they separated. Each division was sent to its assigned continent. Construction of headquarters for each division began right away.

 Each division took an equal portion of the remains of the mothership to use as material for their base. The bases were built in remote, secret locations. They were usually underground or in mountains. Before the split, all the scientists and engineers worked on the design of the bases. Using one design would save time and energy later. It also gave them the benefit of having more minds working together to calibrate the logistics. There were small variations for each base given the various terrains with which the settling aliens would have to work.

 The sight of all these spaceships hauling large portions of another spaceship in broad daylight caused quite a stir among humans, or it would have if anybody took their eyes off their cell phones long enough to notice. Actually, the ships moved so quickly and flew so high that even if humans were physically capable of removing their eyes from their cell phones they still probably wouldn’t have noticed.

 From the time they regained access to their computers, Grek had been monitoring the entire planet. He used Earth’s satellite system and their own technology to scan for any Lambad activity. He found none. That was both encouraging and perplexing. It gave him a little hope that the Lambads didn’t survive the crash. If they all died in the crash, they couldn’t cause any chaos on Earth and they couldn’t signal The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom. If 3T.G.L.D.B. showed up on Earth, there was a real possibility he would do the same thing there that he did to Nasga. If they did survive and he still couldn’t find any signs of them, that was scary. Evading Earth’s satellites was understandable. Earth technology was so antiquated it could hardly be called technology at all. If the Lambads were evading sophisticated alien technology, that was bad.

 The Lambads were, in fact, evading all scans, sophisticated and otherwise. They were spending most of their time inside the aforementioned Sara Sara. They didn’t venture out beyond their crash site. The mothership, though it would never fly again, provided them with everything they would need to survive. They dug deeper into the mountain where the mothership started a nice crater. Much like their counterparts in the Refugee Alien Defenders, they turned the remainder of their ship into a base. The mountain itself hid them from most human radars and satellite surveillance. They used the mothership’s radar blocker to elude the R.A.D.’s searches.

 Eventually, the Lambads ventured out. The majority of their missions were to gather food and forcefully recruit more workers. Such missions were typically scarce and brief. Captain Grek watched from his office, which he dubbed Grekquarters.

 When the first images of Lambads on Earth showed up on the giant screen in Grekquarters, Captain Grek was excitedly dejected and dejectedly excited. All the time he had spent monitoring had finally paid off. The sighting was even in North America. The Lambads were smart enough not to reveal themselves too close to home. A sense of urgency rushed through him. He had to round up all the Lambads. He had to stop them before they could do something diabolical. His division finally had an opportunity for some real action.

 Captain Grek hailed his top squad, the A Squad. He briefed them briefly and sent them out. Their mission, the first ever official mission by the Refugee Alien Defenders, was to apprehend the Lambads and bring them back for questioning. The A Squad launched and headed straight for the coordinates. Before they arrived, the Lambads were back aboard their ship and activated the radar blocker. The A Squad searched the area for clues but found little.

 Subsequent missions were predominately assisting humanity. They put out fires. They helped to land malfunctioning airplanes. They rescued abused animals. They caught bank robbers. They helped cats cross the street. They helped get old ladies out of trees. They ate watermelon, that one wasn’t as much a mission as it was going out for a treat. They scarcely caught a glimpse of any Lambads. A few were captured but refused to share any details of their existence on Earth.

 R.A.D. did accomplish a few things during that time. They got to put their skills to use. They were able to see how their training played out in real-world situations. They made mistakes and were able to learn from them and improve their skills. Most importantly, they started to assimilate into human cultures. They gradually succeeded in becoming more accepted by humanity. There weren’t sweeping reforms in the attitudes toward them, but incrementally people started to accept that there were aliens living amongst them. They still had more than their fair share of detractors, but it was a small improvement.

 Captain Grek’s biggest problem wasn’t the Lambads or the humans. Barring an all-out assault by either of them, his greatest difficulty was right there in his own headquarters, among his own division. It was one of his squads. The lowest-ranked squad, the L Squad.

 The L Squad was the lowest ranked for a reason. That reason is they consistently came in last in every category. They were all capable performers for the most part, but they each had weaknesses. As a squad, they had one big weakness; they seemed incapable of working together. As I mentioned previously, one of the criteria for becoming a squad was that they worked well together. It wasn’t that there was friction within the squad or their personalities or skill sets clashed. Their problem was that everyone was an individual and acted as such instead of as a part of a team. Being an individual is a beautiful thing, but there come times when one must strive for the greater good. The members of the L Squad simply seemed incapable of putting aside their own quirks and working as a unit.

 The L Squad is a five-member squad. They are the outcasts. They are the misfits. They are the ones who didn’t fit into any other squad but were too skilled to waste on mundane work around the headquarters. They are Hitch, Abby, George, Kip, and Charlie.

 Hitch is a Zechistenian originally from the planet Zechisten. He’s the captain of the L Squad. Captain Grek recognized the potential for leadership in Hitch shortly after their meeting. He has an infectious charisma that others want to be around and follow. He also has an impetuous nature, which gets him, and everyone who follows him into trouble.

Abby is the scientist of the squad. She’s a genius, but you already know that from everything leading up to this. She’s also a misanthrope. That’s her biggest fault, from a squad standpoint. She doesn’t work well with others but prefers to work alone in her workshop. She often gets lost in her own mind. Captain Grek hoped that assigning her to a squad headed by her friend, Hitch, would help Abby ease into more public endeavors. He further hoped that Abby’s presence on the squad would help Hitch to not be so impulsive.

I guess by now you would find it odd if George weren’t the pilot of the squad. He is the one who piloted the mothership from LambaBad to Earth. He’s also the one who crashed it. That pretty much sums up George. During preliminary testing, he was the best pilot of the bunch. He was also the worst. He is an extremely skilled pilot, but he likes to fly fast, often too fast, which make many of his landings accidental landings. Most of the squads were terrified to have George as their pilot. George and Hitch go back a long way and they’ve each save the others life. Hitch was happy to have George as his pilot… sometimes.

Kip is the eyes and ears of the squad. Actually, Kip’s just the eye. Kip is solar-powered and the sun is stronger on Earth than it was on his home planet, Yort. On Yort, the Opes, or eyeball people, were predominately cerebral beings. The Earth’s sun made Kip much stronger and therefore more of a warrior. Kip has a hard shell and can roll into a ball, which allows Kip to charge enemies and act as a bowling ball. Kip is also the semi-trained medic of the squad. Really, Kip was just in charge of keeping the supplies stocked. Kip has no real defect that landed him on the L Squad. Other Yortians convinced Captain Grek that Kip was weaker because his iris is purple. An old superstition on Yort says that a purple iris makes one weak. Due to the taunting of the other Yortians, Kip scored lower on the testing than Kip would have normally.

Captain Grek didn’t remember Charlie from Nasga, the escape voyage or even quarantine. That was very unusual. He dug into the records and she was accounted for in every location. Completely lacking any evaluation of her skills, he wasn’t sure what to do with her. She seemed to stick very closely to Abby. In fact, Abby appeared to keep her on a leash, so Charlie was assigned to the L Squad.

Charlie is the lone Earthling member of the R.A.D. Officially her records show that she’s a Niibe from the planet Niibell, which actually doesn’t exist. Charlie was Abby’s ordinary Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy until she used an invention to imbue her with Yamfennian-like qualities. Now, Charlie can walk upright and speak the Queen’s English. She can use her paws like hands. She still retained some of her spaniel instincts, which makes her a liability to even a tattered squad like the L Squad. She will often get overexcited and chase things. When she gets excited she forgets her manners and barks like a crazy person… or a dog.

Those are the crazy characters we’ll follow on their adventures through books, movies, video games, cartoon spin-offs and licensing. That’s my hope anyway. Let’s work together to make that a reality, shall we? Oh, you want to read about one of the good squads? In that case, you’re reading the wrong story.

A Brief Synopsis Of The L Squad

The L Squad has always been the bottom rung of the North American Division of the Refugee Alien Defenders (N.A.D.R.A.D.). Their blunders have become legendary fodder for the rest of the Refugee Alien Defenders (R.A.D.). While all skilled and competent in their own right, they’ve been unable to form a cohesive unit. Hitch, the captain of the L Squad, is too cavalier and jumps into action without forethought. Abby is a genius, but her anti-social behavior makes it hard for her to work with others. George is a brilliant pilot but is also a thrill-seeker, which habitually endangers the squad. Kip was just given a poor reputation due to the slander of the other Yortians in the R.A.D. for having the wrong eye color. Charlie is also cavalier. She is literally a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel Abby adopted and anthropomorphized via a device she invented. Charlie has all the skills necessary to be a member of the R.A.D., but she is still susceptible to her canine instincts, which cause chaos.

They hit an all-time low when they are sent on a mission, which is basically a shopping trip, and end up destroying a hotel and getting arrested. Captain Grek, the head of the N.A.D.R.A.D., demotes the L Squad to the janitorial staff just before the oppressive dictator they fled to Earth to escape arrives and starts bombing San Francisco with F-Bombs, which are, of course, flatulent bombs.

While the rest of the N.A.D.R.A.D. is dispatched to face The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom (3T.G.L.D.B.), Captain Grek deems the L Squad underqualified and unprepared to go into battle. He, instead, sends them to clean the showers. Unsatisfied with this role, the L Squad defies Captain Grek’s orders and joins the fight. The L Squad subsequently handicaps N.A.D.R.A.D.’s last chance of defeating 3T.G.L.D.B. resulting in the capture of the few remaining Refugee Alien Defenders left on the battlefield. The L Squad is forced to retreat to headquarters where they are immediately locked in a holding cell.

Undeterred, Hitch leads a failed escape attempt, which nearly turns his squad against him. Fueled by the desire to fix all the chaos they caused, Abby convinces the rest of the L Squad to regroup and work together. Using teamwork and Abby’s plan, Hitch leads a successful escape. Along the way, they inadvertently release other prisoners and have a run-in with security and Captain Grek. When they finally do escape, they get to work on putting right everything they messed up.

Can the L Squad overcome all the obstacles in their way? Can they continue to put to use the teamwork they recently learned? Will they save the rest of the N.A.D.R.A.D. from the mess they got them into? Will they save Earth from the oppressive, destructive, tyrannical rule of The Tyrannical Tyrannosaurus Gregory LambaDambaBottom? There are only nine ways to find out. First, and my preferred method, read the book. Second, wait for the movie to come out. There’s no guarantee on that one, but I have written the script, and it has received positive feedback from two professional sources. Third, look for spoilers online. Fourth, find the book somewhere and skip to the end. Fifth, ask someone who has read the book. Sixth, just assume everything works out all right. It is a kids’ book. Seventh, wait for the actual events to unfold in real time in the real world. It should only be a hundred years or so. Eighth, write your own version. That way it will come out however you want and assure you won’t be disappointed. Ninth… Eight. There are only eight ways to find out. First…

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