Humans Are Weird: Alarming Revelations

Dear Humanity,

Why is it when your alarm comes on in the morning you say it’s going off? It’s clearly coming on. If it were off, you would not be awakened. From now on, you are to say your alarm is coming on. Please, make the adjustment.

Your friend and logic coach,

Nobbinmaug

Humans Are Weird: Underwear

All right humanity. I need to call you out on another of your bizarre idiosyncrasies. Why in the universe do you call it a pair of underwear or a pair of pants? They’re one thing. A pair is two things. A pair of socks is completely acceptable until one of them escapes during the cleaning process never to be seen or heard from again. Except for the rare that occasion you receive a random postcard telling you your sock has moved to Venezuela to make a better life. It’s now sitting on a beach enjoying the sun and not having feet shoved into it. You know, maybe if you cut your toenails or washed your feet or got new shoes a little more often your socks wouldn’t run away like that. I don’t know how you keep your underpants.

What happened? Where was I? Oh yeah. A pair is two things. Underpants are one thing. Pants are one thing. Is one thing? Underpants or pants shouldn’t even be pluralized, much less referred to as a pair. Is it because they have two leg holes? What about shirts? They have two armholes. You don’t call them a pair of shirts. Unless you’re layering, you don’t even put on shirts. You put on one shirt. Now, put on one pant. Put on one underpant. To ease your transition, you can call them underwear instead. Dang it! Humanity, you are bizarre.

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