My name is Nobbinmaug. No, I’m not going to give you my last name. Not with all the identity thieves out there. Are you crazy? I have a beard and a magic cane. It doesn’t do any spells or anything. It sings and dances. What do you mean that’s not very magical? It’s not a magic wand. I don’t care what Harry Potter can do. Come on, Hermione is the real hero of those books, anyway, with major contributions from Dumbledore and Dobby. We’re not talking about Harry Potter. We’re talking about me and my magical cane. Have you ever seen a cane that can sing and dance? Well, there you have it.
I am from the planet Eereeeneeee, which makes me yelpsnig, or awesome, as Earthlings might say. Have you ever met an Eereeenían? Then you’ll have to take my word for it, won’t you? Trust me, we’re awesome. Any other species that tells you they’re awesome is just being arrogant. Eereeeníans are incapable of arrogance. That’s partially why we’re so yelpsnig. We can also travel through time.
Traveling through time isn’t really an accurate description. We’re actually atemporal or free from the restrictions of time. To Eereeeníans, time isn’t a forward arrow like it is to most other species. To us, time is like a video. We can rewind, fast forward, or pause and visit any moment we want, whenever we want. That’s how we see time. We can go to different moments in time as easily as you can scratch your butt. Don’t do it. Nobody likes a show-off. Why can we do this? I don’t know. Why can’t you?
This is important because, to me, all things have happened and will happen. For example, to me, you have yet to be born, you were already born, you’ve lived your whole life, had children, grandchildren, and beyond, because all time exists to me at once. When I write, I will write about things that will happen in your future as if they are past events because, to me, it’s all the same and that is the proper literary format. Before entering the literary world of Nobbinmaug, it is important that you understand that just because I say something “happened,” doesn’t necessarily mean that’s true in your current time. That might be kind of confusing. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the skeetleybeboppin’ story.
On certain planets and in certain times, my stories are labeled science fiction. I assure you these stories are true. They may just not have happened yet. Just because something hasn’t happened, doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. You might have to wait a few hundred years or millennia, but, if you’re patient, you’ll see. In just a few hundred short millennia, you’ll be saying, “Dang, that Nobbinmaug is more like Nobbinstradamus.” What? Humans don’t live for hundreds of millennia? You are fragile creatures, aren’t you? Well, maybe your kids… What? Grandkids? Great-great-great grandchildren? How long do you people live? Well, maybe you shouldn’t pollute your planet so much or be so violent and you’ll live longer, like those of us with civilized civilizations. Not all of my stories take place that far into your future, so maybe some of you will live to view them in their splendid realities.
All right, since most of you will be dead, or at least grown-ups, which is basically the same thing, before many of the tales about which I have chosen to write will happen, I’ve decided to share some of my greatest stories with you now. O.K. O.K. Please save your applause for the end. Of course, being stranded on Earth will greatly restrict your abilities to experience these adventures for yourself.
I am well-established throughout the universe as a historian. As you can imagine, Eereeeníans make for excellent historians. Most of the universe isn’t interested in stories about Earth. Most people in the universe have never heard of Earth and thought I made it up. Since this story takes place on Earth, I decided it was the perfect story for my Earth debut.
The first story I plan on sharing with you is about a group of misfits and outcasts collectively known as the L Squad. The L Squad is a group of aliens who get stranded on a junky little planet called Earth along with a much larger group of aliens. Oh, I mean a beautiful little planet called Earth. The planet really has tremendous potential, if only her inhabitants could learn to respect her and treat her like she deserves to be respected and treated. The point is, they get stranded there and become part of an organization sworn to defend the planet against alien attacks. The problem is, the L Squad can’t seem to do anything right. They mess up every mission they get.
What? You want to read about heroes who do heroic things? That’s every other story. What if the misfits and outcasts can become the heroes? Cliché? Maybe. It’s a true story. I am merely a reporter, a historian. I can only tell you what happened or happens. Now, I’m confused.
How about this? There are aliens, spaceships, robots, dinosaurs from space, yes, dinosaurs from space, an alien invasion, lasers, battles, an anthropomorphic dog, bad puns, and farts. How about that? Does that sound like a good story? No, there aren’t any horses. That other stuff’s not enough for you? Aliens and robots should be enough for a good story. This story has farts in it. No, there are no monkeys. What if in the sequel there are monkeys who ride horses? No, you want horses who ride monkeys? That doesn’t even make any sense. I’ll let you in on a little secret. There may or may not be flying robot monkeys in my second book, Norman Normalson & The Normals.
On this blog, I’ll post more information on the story and character bios. You can decide for free if you want to buy the book, The L Squad, when it comes out. Dragons? There is no pleasing you, is there? What’s next? Pirates? Dang it! All right, there are some space pirates in George’s bio. Don’t get too excited, they only get a brief mention. All right, there are space pirates in Norman Normalson’s bio. They return in A Nearly Norman Christmas.
I’m ending this before it descends into any more tomfoolery. I get enough of that from Tomfoolery. Updates will be coming often. Don’t miss out. Subscribe to this blog. Follow me on Bitter. Oh, it’s Twitter here? That’s right. On Epatrus, it’s called Bitter, because they’re actually honest about it. Let’s be friends on FloBloLoSo. What? On Earth, it’s Facebook? That’s a dumb name. Whatever you call your social media sites, make sure you share this with everyone you know and more who you don’t know.
We have reached the end. I will now bask in your applause. Oh, humans are horrible at applause. Especially you. Yeah, you in the red. Two hands, buddy. No, you put them together. Never mind. You know who’s good at applause? Wikanders. They have suction cup hands. They produce a good, strong applause.